All The Women In Me Are Now Free
I just went for the techno.
My girl and I were right in the middle of one of those flow like nights where everything just clicked. It started off with a low key dinner at an east end resto where I could get my fried chicken skins with guac and grass fed burger on a gluten free keto bun.
Flow + Burgers + Girl Time makes me v happy.
After said burger and a rarely enjoyed glass of organic Cab Sauv we decided to strap ourselves in and begin our hunt for Toronto’s best techno - and vibe.
We heard the loft party downtown was no bueno so we ventured to a club on College near our old fave techno joint, CZ.
The energy was tight, we were in a dancing mood and I was prepping myself to stomp, sway, close my eyes and be washed clean by the music.
Then I looked up to shake hands with one of the many people my girl was introducing me to that night (it’s been a while since I’ve been out past 9pm lol) and I saw someone I had been terrified to see for almost a decade.
My ex-fiance’s business partner. Staring me right in the face, jaw open, mirroring my shock but still had chill vibes. I keeled over laughing, in an attempt to break eye connection for a minute and think how the fxck I wanted to show up in this moment.
What was I gonna say? Was I in shit? How awkward is this gonna be, scale of 1 - 10, please! I need an answer before I lift my head from this overly dramatic belly laugh.
His face said it all.
“You are welcomed here and it’s good to see you”.
At least I hope that’s what he was thinking.
His energy was warm. We exchanged pleasantries and we laughed about how he was going to text my ex as soon as I hit the dance floor to tell him “You’ll NEVER guess who’s here!”
Lol - I can hear the exact voice he’d of used. It’s actually hilarious. Those guys always had a great sense of humour.
It was their club. I had no idea. I walked into what could’ve been the bears’ cave with a long (but not long enough) stick, poking the sleeping beasts without even knowing it.
It could’ve been a complete embarrassment and night I’d want to forget forever.
Instead, it was a night I’ll forever cherish.
Good news? Even though I ended our 6 year relationship and engagement and basically fled from our newly purchased home, dogs and plans for babies and a life-ever-after, The Bears were kosh and offered me tequila.
Within 30 mins my ex and I were sitting at the bar, having drinks, sharing stories of past hurt with ZERO blame or passive aggressiveness. We were just connecting, being real, forgiving and updating each other after 8 years of not knowing each other anymore.
He was once my family and I could still feel his love and respect. I didn’t believe I deserved that yet he gave that to me after all the pain I inflicted, which blew my mind
What he offered me that night - the energy of equality, admiration and genuinely wanting to hold space and share updates - that energy healed me more than I could’ve ever anticipated. I was deathly afraid to run into him all these years as I thought I’d be basically stoned for what I did and how I left.
I hated hurting him so much that I buried it for almost 10 years. I didn’t know how badly I needed forgiveness. My heart and soul exhaled when I didn’t even notice they were holding their breath so tightly for him.
So why did I flee from my partner in crime 8 years ago?
Because I was staring 'pattern’ right in the eye.
Although I wasn’t 100% sure what was pulling me away I knew it was NOT going to be a good idea to marry, then have babies with someone at that stage in my life.
You see, all the women in my family had children at 15 or 16 y/o, had a terrible time raising their children due to addiction and mental illness and ultimately abandoned their kids at either age 8, 12 or 15.
I saw this pattern and knew I wasn’t immune to it. That scared the shit out of me.
I knew I wasn’t strong enough to be the mother and partner for him and our future babies that they deserved.
I was an alcoholic, I lied, I cheated my way through life, I was awkward and uncomfortable around children and felt like they didn’t like or trust me as soon as they met me.
As if they could sniff out I wasn’t right in the mind, heart and soul - you know?
They probably could. Children are incredibly intuitive.
When I left, I was so heart broken and scared but my soul told me over and over again.
“I know they think you’re selfish right now but you have to do this. You just have to.”
This was the beginning of me breaking it all down. Falling down the rabbit hole of deep addiction and co-dependancy. I questioned all of my beliefs, pushed my boundaries to learn where they laid, danced with drug addiction, co-dependancy and recycled abusive relationships to learn about myself, my pain, my family’s pain, genetic predispositions, genetic karma and I can honestly say it was the most intense, fun, scary, wisdom-building, brave and fruitful years of my life.
I learned these things:
The women in my family struggled with addiction and mental illness and gave up their children because they were modelling the behaviour of their elders.
My purpose in this life has been to learn about genetics, epigenetics, how trauma replays itself generation after generation and how to invite the healthier side of our genetic predispositions to come out and play.
I’ve learned why we’re addicts so that I could break the patterns that lead to self-soothing with unhealthy coping mechanisms like co-dependant relationships, drugs, alcohol etc.
I learned how to re-route neural pathways so to live more in the mental space that I am enough, I am lovable, I can choose healthier behaviours and partners and that I’m capable of being happy and fulfilled while being single. I am fully worthy and capable of holding out until the right energy is in my life so to build a family with.
I practised and read and talked it out to the point where I got clear on when and how to cut toxic people out of my life, how to love myself enough to speak my truth and create healthy boundaries.
I learned what unhealthy love feels and looks like and I also learned that if I do have children one day and get postpartum depression or triggered in any way that could potentially lead me to want to break free of the commitments of motherhood and married life and that I will use all of my tools, reach out for help and move through it - not run from it.
Breaking patterns which have been passed down generation to generation takes a lot of work. It’s physical, mental, spiritual, emotional and there’s no handbook with a step by step breakdown.
Incredibly terrifying for an OCD, A-Type control freak who needs clarity and a plan to avoid panic attacks.
Regardless, I found myself walking down Queen St yesterday, during the first sunny and hot day this spring, feeling at peace, whole and confident in who I am now and who I’m capable of being. I was enjoying my own energy and noticed that I feel healed. I was scrolling through music on my new YouTube app looking for a source of inspiration.
I landed on Beyonce’s album, Lemonade.
Her intro lyrics to her song All Night made me stop, listen closely and realize that I am not alone in the truth that there are countless other woman with trans-generational trauma who are showing up in their lives, marriages and families to do the work and break patterns.
To have the hard conversations, move through the torturous days with hope, to become the Queen that we know we’re meant to be and to then in turn raise another Queen (or King) without passing down that generational trauma and pattern.
SIDE NOTE: Check out this cool, short vid on how one study proves that a mother’s energy with their baby can affect how the generations to come will experience and express stress based on epigenetics.
Whoa. It ain’t easy. Our brains LOVE pattern and familiar. But we have a spirit in us that is stronger than we give it credit for. This, I now know.
Beyoncé’s words that moved me so deeply were:
“…Grandmother, the Alchemist. You spun gold out of this hard life. Conjured beauty from the things left behind. Found healing where it did not live. Discovered the antidote in your own kitchen. Broke the curse with your own two hands. You passed these instructions down to your daughter, who then passed it down to her daughter.”
In that moment, a woman who I had never met and probably never will, who was sharing her poetry, her story and her pain for all of the world to hear, healed me.
I walked down Queen St with the sun in my face, in pure solitude, not afraid, not anxious and slipped oh-so-effortlessly into the skin of a woman who no longer is afraid that she’ll be like the past traumatized women in her family who lose their lives and families due to a curse.
I can be the grandmother one day to a child who may write such beautiful poetry about an elder who broke the pattern, nurtured a child to grow into a Queen and achieve her highest potential as the soul she is meant to be.
Later that day I took a trip to my tattoo shop and asked my sweet British artist Liz to ink me with this:
“All of the women in me are now free”
To all of the women in my family who had to suffer and endure unthinkable trauma and pain and lead me to this place of peace and gratitude for growth, thank you. You taught me how strong I am. How capable I am. And how beautifully our genes can be expressed when we nurture ourselves, love ourselves and never stop asking or looking for the opportunity to grow.
I fought for you, and I forgive you. I fought for me and I forgive myself. I broke hearts and commitments to get to the top of this mountain and I’ve been offered forgiveness. And I fought for my unborn children who I will love, fiercely protect them and raise to be a Queen or King. And they, too, will be free.
Be well with hope,